Wonderment

Sometimes I wonder about things.
Do you? No. Oh. Okay.
Sometimes I wonder about the future.
What is my life going to be like in five years?
I hope I am in graduate school.
I hope I'm not engaged or pregnant or married.
It's weird, I know, to wonder these things.
To wish those three to happen.
But I would like them to happen
In order, of course.
I like the idea of being engaged.
I think I would be a cute pregnant lady.
I would be the one that puts big headphones
On her belly filled with classical music
So her baby is filled with music,
Just like her mother did when she was pregnant.
I am keeping my last name.
Did you know I am the last of my family name?
No. Really?
Yes, I am. Kind of crazy, don't you think?
I want a contemporary wedding.
I want to wear a crimson gown but with a lacy top and sleeves.
I'm not good with white colored clothes.
Sometimes I wonder about where I will be when I am old.
Like 50, maybe 55.
It scares me. I get all nervous inside. My heart races.
Will I be who I want to be? Will I have done what I wanted to do?
Seen what I wanted to see?
Or not? Will I have just slept though my life and then one day,
One day too soon, I'll wake up and say "Shit, what is this gray hair?"
Though I doubt I will have gray hair, very few people in my family do.
Ok...
I'm just saying, or rather trying to say, that I think of these thoughts,
These random moments in a person's life, my life.
I think about the day I die. I don't want to die.
If I could, you know, I would live forever.
I'm afraid of death. The thought of the unknown.
I live for not knowing, but that's just it, I live meaning I won't be dead afterward.
But to leave, to sleep forever, to never again see, smell, hear, taste life.
It's scary. And I can't wrap my mind around it. How do people say they are ready?
How can you be ready for the unknown?
I usually stop thinking about here, because it's too much to bear.
And I'm scared.