I Think I Loved Once

Last night I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend that I'd had the summer before my freshman year of college. Our relationship as a couple only lasted about a month, but we had been friends since my freshman year of high school. He is a couple years older than me and incredibly smart and charming. I never knew how much I liked him until my senior year rolled around after spending every moment of my summer talking to him and hanging with him. I remember that while he spent 5 months abroad in Germany for school I grew more fond of him every day. When he got back, a few weeks early and surprised me by pulling into my driveway, I do believe that it was the happiest moment of my life to that point. However, I think that we liked each other so much, too much, that our relationship was doomed at the beginning. We couldn't get enough of each other, our relationship was so intense, and we always talked about the future. I freaked and I believe that I intentionally ruined a perfect relationship. It has been years now, we recently talked for the first time in almost a year and it felt weird, but good. I realized after hanging up the phone that I probably loved him. I might still love him. I think that I compare every guy to him and that is why no one has met my standards, because no one is him, nor could be him. In my dream, he was in his army uniform and was at this shopping center. I gave him a hug hello and then we kissed and we kept kissing. He held me so tight and I told him I loved him and we ended up spending the entire day together, and then I woke up. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't done what I had to ruin such an amazing relationship and to break him like I did. I wish I had been brave and just let it run the course it was meant to run, see where we would end up. Sometimes I feel like if I had just let the relationship evolve, we would still be together, just as close, and maybe talking about our distant future together. I never thought about marriage that much, or kids. I never have seen myself with someone, just one person for the rest of my life. With him though, I constantly thought about everything in detail. The engagement, what the ring would look like, living together, the wedding, the gown, the honeymoon, being pregnant with his child, and growing old together. When I think about him and what I did wrong and how I feel now, I realize something. I think I may have loved this man once.